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FAQs - Siblings

my newborn daughter just died a month ago and i wi...

2009-07-19T17:08:42.240-04:00

my newborn daughter just died a month ago and i will always be a mother of 3.and her brother and sister will always remember her, forever

I was nine when my brother died. I always include...

2009-06-29T13:16:49.442-04:00

I was nine when my brother died. I always include him when I tell people how many brothers I have. He's still my brother.

When I was 8 and my brother passed from SIDS every...

2009-03-16T22:19:00.000-04:00

When I was 8 and my brother passed from SIDS everyone started saying the number of children that were still here at the time was 4. My brother Craig was the 5th child and I would get mad because I said just because he is not physically here, he is still and will always be my brother. Till this day when people ask how many siblings I have he is ALWAYS included in the number.

It is hard to explain to small children about a ol...

2008-12-23T10:25:00.000-05:00

It is hard to explain to small children about a older sibling that is not there. My two subsequent children can recognize pictures of their sibling but they do not seem to ask me many questions. I think the lack of questions is because of our older daughter who sits them down and shows them the pictures and talks about him all the time. Our son is started in the last couple of months mention wanting a brother to play with, but I can never get him to talk more about it. I think it has to due partially with his lack of vocabulary, because I have asked him if he wants a baby brother and he told me once that he wanted to play with his brother. I think we are blessed to have our older daughter because she is still so open yet childish enough that she connects with her siblings concerning her brother's life and death. I have heard her with a couple of his pictures telling her sister that the picture is of her brother when she thought it was of him. He seemed rather upset at her for saying the baby in the picture was him and not accepting that it was his brother. I was upset at the way he started yelling at her that the picture was of his brother and not him, he was saying "my brother dead" It hurt that these children are affected by something they were not even here to participate in or have actual knowledge of. Not only did she loose her innocence at 2.5 but our subsequent children also seem to loose a bit of innocence and grieve over the never-hads.

This next baby is going to be interesting because our daughter is older now and understands a lot more then when her younger sister was born, they are only 18 months apart in age. She will be four this time and her younger sister will be just shy of 3. This presents a whole new set of emotional things for the kids to do. I thought her paranoia over "all baby boys dying" was bad. Then my daughter's being just 3 yrs and 1 day younger then my SIDS baby has been interesting, I really do not need her pointing out that he would have been doing this or that when he was X age if he had lived to that X age. Well at least we should have gotten past the "all baby boys die" routine and this baby will be closer to her age minus 8 years so none of the comparisons maybe she will get to see what she was like at each age, the first Easter at just weeks old, the first 4th of July at just months old, the first Christmas as a crawler. (7/23/99)

This is response to the question about how we shar...

2008-12-23T10:22:00.001-05:00

This is response to the question about how we share our daughter, Jayne, who died last year, with her other sisters.

This year, each of us wrote a letter to her, telling her how much we miss her and why we miss her. We put the letters in a pretty box and read them on her birthday. We also made a birthday cake, but that was a disaster; as Jayne was not there to blow out the candles. The letters we wrote, however, were very therapeutic. My eight-year-old was able to verbalize why she missed her and that was the beginning of her healing. The poor child had repressed the memories of her baby sister for almost eight months.

Our other children help us take care of the cemete...

2008-12-23T10:22:00.000-05:00

Our other children help us take care of the cemetery plot. We have a celebration day on what would have been her birthday where we do something nice for someone else and we keep her picture on the wall with theirs and when we replace theirs every year and hers does not change. We talk about it and it helps them understand that even if something bad happens to someone that person will still be in our hearts so as to be never really gone.

Every year on David's birthday we have a birthday ...

2008-12-23T10:20:00.001-05:00

Every year on David's birthday we have a birthday cake, light candles and talk of him. On the anniversary of the day he died (we go by the Jewish calendar), it's a Jewish holiday where everyone commemorates the dead, so we go to temple, and then go visit the cemetery, bringing flowers which he loved. The rest of the time we just talk about him with his subsequent sister, and look at pictures of him (hanging on the walls, and on tables).

David is certainly always a part of our family, and always will be.

I'm not sure if you consider a 14 year old a "chil...

2008-12-23T10:19:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure if you consider a 14 year old a "child" per se, but I wanted to share with you what I do with my 14 year old sister. Amber, my 14 year old sister, is Alex's aunt. She was absolutely CRAZZZZZY about that baby!! My 16 year old didn't show near the interest as Amber. She literally worshipped that child.

Today, Alex would have been 7 months old. I know that most people wouldn't consider that age to be anything special, but I know you understand why I would celebrate it. I made a pretty fresh flower arrangement in a temporary vase (her marker hasn't come in yet) and Amber and I headed out to the cemetery. We also took some pretty wind chimes with an angel on them to hang in the tree by her resting place. Amber really wanted to be able to hang the wind chimes, but she was too short to reach the branch they needed to hang on. So she held the branch down for me to tie them on. She cleared the temporary marker of grass and dirt and silently said what she wanted to say to her. Then we left.

Now, I realize that this isn't what most people would consider a "celebration" but it was our own private get together. I always include Amber in the "things" I do for Alex and she really appreciates it. My husband and I are going to move to Austin when our house sells and I told her about how I was concerned about whether there was anyone I could count on to make sure there were always flowers at Alex's resting place. She said that I could always count on her and that she would find a way to make sure Alex always had flowers. I thought that was pretty neat--then again, she's a pretty neat kid.

We do share the memory of Quentin with Xavier (4 y...

2008-12-23T10:18:00.000-05:00

We do share the memory of Quentin with Xavier (4 year) and Vincent (1 year) by never forgetting his brother. We always say that we have 3 children with one in heaven. Xavier knows very well the existence of Quentin and the fact that he is dead. He still has problems with the fact that we cannot see him or bring him back. He says he wants his brother back and that he loves him. We just say we love him either but that we cannot do anything against death. We have some pictures of Quentin and Xavier recognizes his brother. I think that the most difficult thing for Xavier is to leave his other brother for some days. He his always - not consciously - afraid of losing his brother as we had to put Xavier by my parents for a week when we lost Quentin and when he came back his brother and his entire room had disappeared. He searched it for 6 months in every baby we met! But I still think we made the right choice - for us- to clear everything. It's hard enough without seeing all those things remembering you constantly the lost treasure!

We do not celebrate the birthday of Quentin nor try to let Xavier remember the date of his death (in any case unforgettable for us). We try to let Xavier and Vincent live their innocent life as much as possible but we never escape their questions.

Even though my daughter is only two and a half, sh...

2008-12-23T10:15:00.001-05:00

Even though my daughter is only two and a half, she will tell you she has two brothers in heaven. I think it is important not to under estimate a childs understanding because they are young. She was just two when her twin brothers were still born and she knew the boys did not come home and that there was much sadness in the house.

Brittney is too young to give you her answer, but ...

2008-12-23T10:15:00.000-05:00

Brittney is too young to give you her answer, but I can tell you what she tells people that ask her how many brothers or sisters she has. She is quiet promt and blunt in telling them that she has two brothers, David and Ashley Conrad but David died, and mommy has a baby in her tummy. Yes, that is how she says it all one breathe. I must admit that she is a normal 5 year old, blunt and short on tact.

I tell people that I have one sister up in Heaven ...

2008-12-23T10:14:00.000-05:00

I tell people that I have one sister up in Heaven and one brother here with me. I miss her a lot and I wish she was here with me. I love my Chrislyn.

My son Jacob was 6 years old and in grade 2 when m...

2008-12-23T10:13:00.000-05:00

My son Jacob was 6 years old and in grade 2 when my son Noah died. He had started a new school one week prior to his brothers death. The day after the funeral Jacob returned to school, the teacher didn't hide the subject from the class and informed Jacob that the class had been praying for him and his family. She invited the funeral director to speak to the class about death and dying. The class then took a trip to the funeral home to try and understand death better. The children were so understanding and sympethetic to Jacob that he felt very comforted by their interest and support. Children are so honest that they are not concerned about saying the wrong thing, they simply say what is in their hearts. Weeks later, a boy in Jacobs class said "I'm really sorry that your brother died". Jacob said thank you and told me later that he was so glad that his friends cared.

At the beginning of the third grade when the students went to meet their new teacher, she began calling out role call. She would remark to different students about teaching an older brother or sister. When she called Jacob's name she said " aren't you the boy whose brother died?" Jacob was so hurt and offended that he was only recognized by such a traumatic event in his life, that he didn't want to go back to school. I really think that adults should take a lesson from children.

I could not have asked for a sweeter baby. He was ...

2008-12-23T10:11:00.000-05:00

I could not have asked for a sweeter baby. He was a baby everyone would want. He never cried or fussed. He made a little sound if he was hungry. I feel so fortunate to have spent his first 12 weeks with him full-time before returning to work. He was my 99 days of sunshine. When I returned to work, he calmed me down from a stressful day. He loved to just cuddle. He was different than my other children and very special to me. He was content with life. He loved to just look around the room and didn't sleep much during the day. He always wanted to see what I was doing. What a gift, I will always treasure. Thank you, for the gift that you gave to me......

The best memory of my baby is the time we spent to...

2008-12-23T10:10:00.000-05:00

The best memory of my baby is the time we spent together at nursing time. I think that I miss that closeness the most with my baby girl aside from missing her all together. She has an older brother who misses giving her big kisses and a wonderful daddy who misses snuggling her during "daddy's girl time". I also miss her beautiful smile that she just learned to do a few days before she died. She was mommy's special angel and I miss her with everything in me. I just can't wait until the day comes that we will be together again.

I believe it would have benefited my five-year-old...

2008-12-23T10:07:00.000-05:00

I believe it would have benefited my five-year-old daughter for her counselors at school to have been more knowledgeable about SIDS and how children react both physically and physiologically to the loss of a younger infant sibling. They, like most of the population do not have a clue. (3/6/98)

My baby was born Jan 21, 1997 and died March 27, 1...

2008-12-21T21:56:00.002-05:00

My baby was born Jan 21, 1997 and died March 27, 1997. May 1st I moved in to a new home. I have no regrets of moving. I feel better staying here then at the apt where our baby passed. I still have all of my babies stuff though and the bed we found him in. (Mon, 5 May 1997)

That's is entirely need to be made to each individ...

2008-12-21T21:56:00.001-05:00

That's is entirely need to be made to each individual. For me, my son passed away in my house of SIDS in 1995, it is sentimental. Just like I would have an extremely hard time if my Mother sold the house where my Father has passed away. I love them both dearly. But as long as you always keep your loved ones in your heart that is all that really matters. (7/31/97)

I would not recommend immediately moving away from...

2008-12-21T21:56:00.000-05:00

I would not recommend immediately moving away from the only place that you have shared memories with your child. Although you will be regularly confronted with reminders of your son or daughter, running away from these reminders will not eliminate your grief. The pain, the loss, the memories... these all have to be dealt with eventually. (My daughter died in my home two years ago.) (8/2/97)

We closed on our house 4 days before our baby's su...

2008-12-21T21:55:00.000-05:00

We closed on our house 4 days before our baby's sudden death. It was nice to start over without many reminders. I'm a teacher and the faculty at my school got together and moved us so we didn't have to do the sorting and packing. They tucked her things in a safe place and I go through it when I'm up to it, but it isn't in clear view as a constant reminder of what I should do (sort through things) or something I miss. (Fri, 11 Apr 1997)

My opinion is to wait before making any major deci...

2008-12-21T21:54:00.002-05:00

My opinion is to wait before making any major decisions that may be regretted later. Personally, I have tried several times to go back to my home (our daughter died in her crib there) and when I do, the silence is too deafening. I spend most of my time alone (my husband works exclusively out of town) and even though all of my joyful memories are there in that house, I cannot bear the silence. We have the house listed for sale and are seriously considering relocating to a different city. (Wed, 9 Apr 1997)

I definitely wouldn't make any quick decisions con...

2008-12-21T21:54:00.001-05:00

I definitely wouldn't make any quick decisions concerning a move. You may feel strongly about moving at first, but later realize that it brings you much comfort being in the same place that you shared with your baby. If you move too soon, you may regret it later, and feel like you gave up some place special that you and your child shared.

In my case, I get comfort being in the same house. I look around each room and have special memories of my son being there. My son died at the baby-sitters. If he would have died at home, I may have a different opinion about being in that house. I guess it all depends on the circumstances. (Wed, 9 Apr 97)

I had to move after my son died. The apartment sme...

2008-12-21T21:54:00.000-05:00

I had to move after my son died. The apartment smelled like him so bad. My mother-in-law moved in after us, even though we didn't want her to. The apartment still smells like him, and I get very upset when I visit, and I cannot go into his old room. (Thu, 10 Apr 1997)

As with most questions of this genre, it is a matt...

2008-12-21T21:53:00.001-05:00

As with most questions of this genre, it is a matter of what is right for you. However, it is usually recommended not to make any big decisions for one year after the death of your baby. Leaving the house at the time of the death and then not returning makes it hard to reach closure on many issues. Try living in your home for at least six months. If you find you just can't bear it at that time, then consider moving. Most parents find that their home, while a reminder of the terrible thing that has happened to them, is also filled with the beautiful memories of their baby's life - and it is usually the only home the baby ever knew. (Sat, 5 Apr 1997)

My husband and I lost our baby girl on March 1, 19...

2008-12-21T21:53:00.000-05:00

My husband and I lost our baby girl on March 1, 1997. Since then we have been staying with my parents and I'm not sure if we should move to a different apt. or house or how long we should stay with my parents. We had to move out of that apt. we had only lived there eight days when our baby died and I just couldn't bear to be there by myself. I guess it is up to each individual and what they're most comfortable with. (Sun, 6 Apr 1997)

SIDS Network Web Site FAQs - Siblings